I went into hiding after the election. I don’t know who from or why. I just wanted to disappear. To not share or initiate any posts on FB or to respond to even my closest friends. The first day was the worse. I was devastated especially because of denial of Climate Change already causing great destruction to the environment and rapid extinction of species. And because of the hate mongering and violence coming to the surface. Rumors and untruths spread. Fear spread. And yes, some brave souls encouraged rebellion and organizing. Fight – resist – don’t give up. I just felt despair.
Three days later I spent the entire day listening to Leonard Cohen songs and poems. I cried and I cried. I took in the pain of life and humanity. Sobbing and sobbing for the people and the earth, for all the sorrow and suffering, for the hate and ego-driven behaviors and the impossibility of conquering them. The human race in a fight for survival oblivious to their own suicidal tendencies. Compassion finally broke through melting days of frozen anger and resentment, fear and frustration, despair and hate – all mixed together into a stew of pain.
Compassion for human beings and for myself – that I can’t open my heart more easily, for letting anger, fear and hate crawl into my blood and keep me locked up for days in an icy withdrawn, spiteful, blaming mode. As I listened to the words of Cohen’s songs something changed. The outer layer of fear began to melt and my deepest sadness and regret about the human race emerged. For the first time since that famous day I feel a slight inclination to action. I commented on a Cohen post in a personal way – exposing myself – showing myself and my pain – vulnerable. I came in touch with my real heart-broken self revealed through the many veils of Cohen’s words. I see how he dares to look at and express what is really under the masks and hidden agendas. The illusions of life in the fast lane of commerce and self-centeredness. The money and the power. The greed and the corruption. The suffering on all levels – mental, emotional and physical – personal and non-personal.
Looking back on my life time journey to my deeper self I recognize that it started as a religious longing. But slowly transformed into a deep love of Life with all its many aspects. And I fell deeply in love with the earth and the planet with all its creatures. I can also register that it is easier for me to feel my pure love for the earth than to fully open my heart to all the human creatures. But when I do allow full love I feel a sense of oneness with myself and with all things – which I could say is the larger and most true part of my soul.
Yet there are many smaller parts of the soul that take a long time to heal; the self-centeredness, the old habits of judgment and rejection of self and other. I can really see now how important this “end of days” transition is for the soul and for human evolution, although I use a lot of energy fighting it, defending against it, moaning about it, running away from it, hating it, and generally feeling depressed, deflated and hopeless much of the time.
The question that remains is – what will I do to contribute. How will I use my creative voice for expression from the Source. I suddenly feel grateful for this disaster as it creates such an unveiling and a revelation of the beauty and the preciousness of each person and each tree. To hold that picture I must turn away from the cynicism that arises because of fear – expecting violence and hatred to take over and run the show. When I do that I distrust the power of beauty and love to change consciousness and find new ways. Yes I can be fearful, but I also know that I can be a courageous writer and intuitive connector who knows how to point to ways beyond the ego and the true nature of all things.
May I embrace love, dare to write from the soul and speak from the heart.
I choose LIFE.